If you threw an aeroplane in the sky, how far would it soar before it fell back onto the ground? There are always limits to the things we humans can do, whether it's to achieve a dream, protect someone, or to approach the sky.

There's something that we humans aren't limited to, though.

It's our imagination.

And the trials are over.

I'm musing over the results I've obtained. On one hand, I'm smirking because even though I sat through the exams on knocked-out mode, I've still managed to secure the bare minimum of what was necessary. On the other hand, I'm rolling my eyes because had I not been on knocked-out mode, I would have been to achieve much, much more.

Math - 75
Add Math - 37 (Okay, this one could have been better. Seriously.)
English - 90
Malay - 70
Chinese - 56
Biology - 76
Chemistry - 58
Physics - 67
Moral - 78
History - 80
Art - 81
English Literature - 88 (I'm relieved, but there's always room for improvement.)

Let's see. SPM is in another... [checks Facebook for Benjamin's reference] thirty-four days. Should I be worried?

Well, should I?

Strangely, I'm not.

Ever since the insomnia-anxiety-attack-that-spanned-throughout-trial-exams-incident occurred, I've been feeling very relaxed. Something like a mini knot within myself has been unknitted, leaving me behind calm and more or less rational.

'Happy' is not the word. 'Apathetic' is.

Graduation is apparently on the way. People around me are doing all sorts of things - checking out tertiary education options, visiting colleges, filling in forms, getting reference letters done - everyone's in a flurry of excitement, but they still feel the nostalgia.

Nostalgia? What?

Some seniors told me that I would really miss CHS, and the times there. I don't recall having too many joyful memories, and I really doubt I'd miss CHS. If I still don't miss it even by next year, I'm going to shove that fact to their face and prove them wrong. I'll prove to them that I'll enjoy my pre-u days, I'll prove to them that the future can be a damn good thing.

I have a future. A future, a dream, and two fine legs to walk on for it. What's stopping me? Only the hurtful memories, of course, and all the difficulty that will somehow spring itself on me next time. I'm human. There's bound to be many times where I will go against my personal philosophy rules, but I'm only human. A human bound by rules. A human who, like many other humans, will never find out anything about the genuine truth behind the secrets of the world. A human who's just a tiny speck of star against the vast universe.

I want to have a life with all the experiences mixed in it, I want to travel around the world and see places I've never seen before. I want to meet people, I want to learn new cultures - I want to live and experience - everything.

Just how greedy am I, anyway? Someday this greediness will come back and swallow me whole. My pride has already backfired on me many times. When will I ever learn to cast away my doubts?

By the way, Saphira -

There's actually a lot of things I want to say to you, actually. There's a lot I want to throw onto you, there's a lot of things I want to ask you, and there's a lot that I should (and am) be angry about. Well, guess what? I won't do that. I don't want to, either - because I know that many people would want to do the same to me, too, and what right do I have to justify the wrongs of people, when I can't even justify the wrongdoings of myself?

We've known each other for quite a few years already. I'm sure you know how ugly my personality can be when it comes to it.

Still, there's only one exact sentence I have for you, and that is -

I don't blame you.

You, too, have a future to grasp. A bright future. A wonderful boyfriend. Decent friends. A place to be at. Go for your dreams, and someday - some many years in the future, we'll talk about this current moment, and how we have changed.

For now?

I don't wanna go school laa. And I have my stories to update laa. Yadda, yadda.

Let's go. The future's awaitin'.