The finale.

Firstly, here's an announcement. This will be the final post for paradoxicallysadistic, where it has reached almost a thousand posts (this is the 999th one) over the span of four long years (2008 - 2011).

The new blog link URL is http://shadowedbylight.blogspot.com/

Visit if you feel like it. That will be where I'll be posting from now onwards. It'll be quite different - no more black backgrounds (despite the fact that black and red are still my favorite colours), there'll be less talk of pessimistic issues, and it'll be...happier, essentially.

It has been four very long years.

Five, alright, if I included my Form One year in as well - though most of the action happened when I was in Form Two.

Have I grown throughout these years? Have I changed? Have I developed into someone that I could actually be proud of?

I don't know whether I've managed to become someone people would be proud of, but I do know that I've changed enough to make myself proud.

It has been quite a few tough years. I've been through it, I've had all my experiences written here - and in my private blog. I look back at those posts, I look back at how some posts are filled with so much anguish that it tears my own heart apart - and I remember how much a person I was like in the past.

I remember being so bitter and angry almost all the time. I never smiled, was always pessimistic, and was brutal to almost everybody. Heck, throw in black eyeliner and black nail polish - then I'd easily been the emo goth girl, born to haunt the living.

That changed, though. I have no idea how, but things just...changed.

It was all because I had an aim. A dream. Something I wanted to fulfill.

Do you have any idea what dreams (real dreams, not daydreams) can do to people? They can change a person so much and spur them onwards. They can shape a person's personality and build them up for the better. It's amazing, so to speak.

To let people hear what I think...to turn ideas into a story...to create...and to inspire.

That's what I want to do.

I wouldn't have been who I was today without the important people at my side, though. These were the people who have endured my temperamental moods, my constant mumbling about depressing issues, and they were the ones who gave me encouraging words and pushed me back to reality.

You know who you are.

I had to take the initiatives to change myself, of course - and trust me, it wasn't easy. I was caught up in so many complex emotions and I had no idea how to handle them - but somehow, I managed.

Of course, not all the issues are resolved. The most major of them still exist - and they are also the hardest ones to solve.

I know they'll be tough to face - but I will have to face them, someday. Just because I currently don't do anything about them doesn't mean that it'll go away just like that.

One of the things that changed me the most was joining Itanium Solutions. Okay, yeah, I suffered like heck throughout the two years, but it really taught me how to re-socialize with people again. After being cut out from people for so long, learning how to communicate with others was quite a challenge - not to mention with the onslaught of new responsibilities, things just became more complicated.

Another thing that changed me a lot were my enemies. Sure, at that time I hated them badly - but they taught me how to be stronger. Now that I look back, I don't regret all the challenges that I had to face. Yes - they taught me how to face the world in a more mature fashion.

I won't forget these people, of course. It's true that I'll make new friends once I'm overseas - but the memories - all the painful, happy, sad and challenging moments - I'd remember them. They'd always be in my mind. While I'll do my best not to be affected by them, I can't just forget them either. After all, these were my experiences - and mine alone. No one should be allowed to judge them, and I will allow myself to keep them.

Yeah, in case some people reading this don't know yet, I'm going to New Zealand next year.

There are still a lot of stuff I haven't done yet.

Time is running short.

Again, I ask myself - how have I changed?

Perhaps I'm more cheerful now. I smile more often - and I'm more determined, optimistic and less brash over issues. Of course I still have a horrible temper, though. That can't really be changed. It's a nasty part of myself that will always be there.

I can prevent it, though - I know I can. I just have to try.

And for the teenage drama.

Alright, I admit it - I've had quite an amount of boyfriends throughout this period of high school - it's just that since I don't go out with others often, I don't publicize it much. I don't see why I have to do so anyway - but regrettably, I've never been able to once get a boy I truly, truly liked. Which is quite a shame, because I'm sure the rest of those guys did put in their maximum effort for me. While I do feel sad, and sorry, there's no way I can deny my feelings - or my independence.

And yes, there was a time where I really hated the person I was - but that has changed too. Now, I'm quite happy to be who I am. I don't even regret the nasty me once upon a time - to me, it's all a growing process.  

In other words, there's a great future ahead. And I'm quite glad to be able to experience it.

Basically, I won't have much time left for socializing (MSN, FB, whatever) once I get to NZ. I have no idea whether I'll even have wi-fi in my own room - but one thing I'm sure is that I'll definitely take the time out for blogging and story-writing. I'll use the wi-fi at the university even I have to.

Yeah. Host families, long walks, taking buses, meeting new friends, mingling with new people - it sounds fantastic.

I can't wait. Yeah, I'm genuinely excited. And I don't regret anything. With how hard I fought for this to come true, would I look like I'd regret it?

So, see you there - at my new blog - at New Zealand - whatever.

'Till then, adieu, and thank you for everything.

CHS Prom 2011 - Casino Royale

Warning : Lots of photos. All grabbed from friends' on Facebook as I didn't have my camera that time.

Prom. It was something that I've always wanted to experience. And finally, after five years of being in high school - I've managed to. With a date. With dances. With a lot of laughter and fun.

But it was basically the preparation process that nearly killed me.

Firstly, I had no idea how to put contacts on - and yet I was so intent on doing so.
Solution - Have my cousin sister force open my eyes and put them in for me. I lost count the number of times she tried to put the contacts in, only to have myself blink and have the contacts fall away.

She said, "Be brave!"

And I was like, "I'm trying to, but my eyes aren't listening!"

Then came the process of eyebrow-plucking. Believe me, I half wanted to run away from the room. My eyebrows were crying for mercy.

And then the mascara.

And then the hair-curling.

The worst part was after I curled my hair, I sweated a bit, had my curls straighten out, and had to re-curl them again.

Wonderful.

Being a female was such a pain. Plus, I had to wear a corset because my chocolate-eating days had finally caught up with me. In simple words, I wanted to scream bloody murder.

But I guess that it was worth it in the end. Having your date's jaw drop open isn't everything you get to see everyday.

I met up with my friends, talked a little, and took some photos. The theme was Casino Royale, and the DJ did what he was supposed to do - hype up the crowd. The Prom King and Prom Queen had the first dance, and then the dance floor was open. Sadly, there wasn't much time for dancing - only an hour or so. The clubbing-type of dancing was fun - all the lasers were what I have always wanted to see.

The slow dance was...well. It was initially awkward in the beginning, and I was glad that my date was someone I was close to and quite a sporting person as well. We had no idea what to do, so we imitated what the other couples around us did. I put both arms around his neck and he put his around my waist, and what we did was basically just spin in circles. Then we did the mambo. I thought we were pretty good in that. Perhaps I should learn up the salsa or something - I have a talent for spinning in heels, too.

When I told this to my mum, she burst into hilarious laughter. Up till now I have no idea what's so funny, but anyway...here are the photos. Blogger's formatting sucks, so some of the arrangements may turn out odd. Names begin from the left.

Anne, Zi Shan, and Qyisha.

Zi Shan, Ming Hui, and Anne.

Livia, Anne, and Zi Shan.

Anne, Zi Shan, Hor Kong, Jia Vei, Bih Fang. I must tell you, Hor Kong must've been the only one who wore a singlet inside and threw a coat on the outside.

Ser Lyn, Zi Shan, Bih Fang, Anne, Jia Vei, Julia.

Anne, Zi Shan.

Wooi Teik, Yi Xuan, Zi Shan, Anne.

Anne, Yie Wei. Damn, even with heels he's still a head taller than I am.

Yi Tian, Zi Shan, Anne.
Yi Tian, Jayne, Zi Shan, Anne, You Zhi, Hai An.
Yee Wei, Anne.
Anne, Yee En.

Wooi Teik, Anne.

Wei Sian, Anne. Under that coat of his is a floral-patterned button-up shirt. All the boys teased him about it, but I found it cute.

Wayne, Anne.
Anne, Wai Mun.
Anne, Ving Onn. The gambling king. Guess Casino Royale would have been really fitting for him if they stayed onto the theme slightly more.
Benjamin, Tze Gee, Zi Shan, Anne.
Table 28 members.
Anne, Sze Teng.
Ser Lyn, Jayne, Zi Shan, Hai An, Anne, Jia Vei.
Sean, Anne, Zi Shan.

Anne, Sara. She was dressed in an exotic manner. There were adorable feathers in her hair!
Qiao Jing, Anne.
Anne, Lu Huey. I love her dress.
Kang Yao, Anne.
Anne, Kang Wen.
Jia Xing, Anne.
Jia Xing, Anne, Zheng Hui, Leslie.
Anne, ushering lady, Jia Vei. Have I mentioned that I love Jia Vei's hair on that day? There was glitter on it. It shone under the dance floor lights! And she dyed it to brown, too. I haven't highlighted my hair yet.
Jerica, Elaine, Anne, Chriztay.
Anne, Jason.
Hui Koon (she came all the way for prom!), Shu Hui, Anne.
Anne, Hor Kong. Although he didn't really know much about being a Treasurer, he was one of my closest friends and the best advisor about formal club matters.
Ser Lyn, Hor Kong, Anne. Oh yes, I enjoyed doing this, very much indeed.
Anne, Gwyneth. I love her dress. It looks so Chinese and exotic!
The final few people who left the venue.
Faye, Anne. I love the way her hair was done, and her dress was so long that it actually swpet the floor. Really beautiful colour, though.
Anne, Darrion. My high-five buddy for a few years - we always exchanged high-fives whenever we met. That night was no exception.
Anne, Chriztay. Bright smiles. Both of us curled our hair into nice little ringlets, it seemed.
Chriztay, Zi Shan, Anne.
Anne, Benjamin. Benjamin was my date. He's a good dancer, believe it or not.
Anne, Athalia.
Anne, Yi Xuan.

And I guess that's all for the photos. I basically enjoyed prom night, a lot - even though it wasn't that long and even though it took me a long time to take out my contacts after. My eyes were red for a few days after that - weren't used to them, and wore them for far too long on the first time. Oh well.

Won't be posting up about my NZ trip here. Will do so in my new blog - which I haven't revealed the URL yet.

That, unfortunately, is what will happen if anybody ever tried doing that.

Just another two more subjects (English Literature plus Chinese) and SPM will be over for me. I originally wanted to only blog after SPM, but I figure that I wouldn't have much time - and there'd be too many things to squeeze into one post. There's no helping it, I can just write and write without even stopping to pause - so I'd better write out anything I want to - right here and right now.

First, a few things to take note -

After the last paper on Wednesday, I'll be flying off to New Zealand, and will be back on the sixteenth of December - a Friday night. So, yeah, if anyone wants to urgently contact me, you can send me a text. Don't bother facebooking me as I most likely won't be accessing it. Somehow no matter how much I publicize to others that I'll be out of the country, many still seem to not realize it - and I end up having pokes and all that shit because they think I'm still in Malaysia.

Wayne had invited me to have some fun at the Comic Fiesta on the eighteenth, but I turned the offer down. Heck, a ten hour plane flight, a lil' bit of jet lag to deal with, and then prom on the nineteenth? I'd be too tired to do anything. Not to mention that after Christmas there'd be loads of outings to go to. Some people would be starting college in January, some would be going overseas, and some would be heading off for NS. The final few weeks of December are going to be quite hectic with a lot of outings.

Actually, if Saphira were to head down from Penang for Comic Fiesta, then I would actually go without any hesitation. But since this dear girl won't be there, well then - there's not much point in me going either. I mean, I love seeing cosplayers and a crowded, enthusiastic atmosphere would be certainly enjoyable - but well, no thanks. I'd rather stay at home and rest over the weekend. Rest a little, play some piano, write some stories, watch some shows, eat some chocolates, catch up with some friends - yeah, I'll say that would be perfect. There's no need to buzz around being the all-perfect socialite. It's tiring being one. There are certain people that I want to meet up with, though. One of them includes Jia Vei, the girl who will be going to England next year. And then there's Zi Shan, and the usual 5S1 mates. I'm not really keen on farewell parties, though.

There are a lot of things I'll be blogging after Christmas, though. First, I haven't even put up the graduation photos here yet. There'll be my NZ trip, prom, and all those little outings. And I'll blog about the stuff that makes me happy - anime, story-writing, all those things. I no longer care what other people think of me when they don't make me happier than these stuff do.

The new camera I have is an Olympus E-PL2. Not your regular Point and Shoot camera, but allows interchangeable lens, manual settings and some really nice art filters. How do I put this? Although it's not as fancy as a Canon, it's good enough for my usage. The last camera I had was an old Nikon hand-me-down, so of course I'm incredibly happy with this new camera. Some may wonder whether I'll even use it at all - in which the answer to that is, yes, I definitely will. Just because I'm too lazy to post photos up doesn't mean I don't use it.

And the new pair of sneakers I've gotten is a Converse. Black, white, with a little red. Two sorts of shoelaces - black and white. Prefer the white ones. The sneakers are of ankle-length. I purposely chose that because...well, because I liked it. Of course they're not really durable for wet seasons and snow, but hey - when you want to look good you can't really care about that. It's not as if I'm totally going to freeze there, though. I have a pair of fur-lined boots that would do just the trick. Jia Vei has bought herself Timberland boots. She claims they look boyish, but I saw the photos and thought they look really rugged, tough and just really cool in essential. The whole idea of going overseas to study is really exciting, and so are the preparations. It's so nice to have someone going through the same thing as me. Well, the health check-ups are an exception of course.

Then I'll have to start clearing up. There are quite a few books that I have to give away, which include the Science stuff. A few juniors have already placed their orders, so that's where they'll go to. What about the letters that I wanted to send to my friends? I haven't even started on anything yet. Everything's just such a mess.

I really, really can't wait for SPM to be over and head over to New Zealand.

Hey, the future looks pretty fun. Who wouldn't want to live in it?

And, oh. I would be opening a new blog soon. By "soon", I mean next January. This blog is about to hit almost a thousand posts soon, I might as well start out with something new. I already have a name for it, and the blog link is already set - I just can't decide on what background to put. Black seems so...how do I put this? It seems so much like the old me. I'm itching to get out of the old skin. We'll see how it goes.

Pre-SPM rant.

Oh, what a mess. It's a wonder that I can still search for books underneath this pile of...books.

Magnificent. Absolutely magnificent.

I feel like doing a huge facepalm.

It's like...come on, SPM. The biggest examination battle for every high school student out there.

And what are you doing, Anne? Sitting in front of the computer. Munching on chocolates (your prom dress is in serious jeopardy). Snickering at lame puns. Texting several partners-in-crime of yours. Flipping through newly-bought books from Popular and MPH. Thinking about all the wonderful things you would be doing after SPM.

How unproductive.

Hence, the freaking facepalm.

All right-y. I'll give myself some credit. For one, I am a CHS-ian - and CHS papers have been known to surpass the level of difficulty of other schools out there. For another, despite my lack of endurance in several issues, I've been able to juggle my co-curricular junk and studies for three years!

But still, this is SPM. Hell-o, high school students. Terrifying acronym for all of us, don't you think? Watch how it naturally rolls off the tongue and observe how teenagers cringe and deflate like some popped balloon.

Okay, okay. I'm not exactly known for being brilliant in Add Math. Yes, I know that.

Watch. I shall dissect the subjects - just because I have studiedforfivehoursandneedabreak too much time to spare!

First off, Add Math. You terrify me the most, because I have failed you. Failed, with a capital F. I don't get your probability, nor do I understand what differentiation is about. If anything, simultaneous equations and graphs always make me heave a sigh of relief - they're the first questions I hit straightaway in any exam.

Secondly, Math. While you're slightly more tolerable than your bipolar counterpart, you're still a force not to be undermined. I remember how deluded I was when I first met you - resulting in undesired results. Never mind, that was the past. Now, for SPM, I shall conquer you. With graphs (insert delighted smirk here) and the matrix, I shall freaking conquer.

Now, we begin the Sciences. Physics. Laws of nature. Up and down and round you go. At times you make the most sense of all - and at times you just don't. So, how am I supposed to deal with you? Sometimes I even experiment certain junk just to prove that you're right. Y'know, the standard water-filled cup with air pressure and even Bernoulli's principle? Yeah, things like that. It's laughable. Or not.

Chemistry. If not for the guidance of one particularly dedicated Pn. Chan, I would not have even bothered by your existence. Unlike your sibling, Physics, you just don't make any damn sense at all. It's fun, of course, because salts are just oh-so-colorful. Bet they'd be a real nice kaleidoscope if I chucked 'em all together, but what's with all the carbon chains and stuff? And wait, did you just call carbon 'coke'? How misleading.

Biology - you're actually the one that I rely on to pull up my average. Somehow, you and I really have an affinity with each other. Still, I fear you at times when my memory gets a lil' tacky. Mendel's Law doesn't really stick in my head and plants are dreadful things, but other than that you're an interesting partner. I'd trade any of those counting shit for you any day.

History - again, you're also someone that meshes well with me. Despite the fact that your laws are annoying, I've been able to keep up with the things they do in, er, Arab hundreds and thousands of years ago. It helps that I've been to Turkey, even Europe. Really beautiful places that flash up in my memories everytime I flip a particular page. Your facts about Malaysia are annoying, though. Well, it is an annoying country in general after all.

Malay, the national language. Er-hem. No problem with coping, hopefully, unless the topic set up is something on the charts of wtf-ness. Novels are just memory work and more memory work. And with a little bit of luck, the peribahasas will actually make sense.

English? I freaking love you. 'Nuff said.

Chinese - I fear you, but not as much as I fear for anything calculator-related. Surprisingly, while your wrath scares the bejeezus out of people, you don't scare me that much. I'm not a banana, so there. Suck it up. I shall memorize some sad, teary plot for my essay in the mean time. That might actually buy me some marks.

Moral, had the education system been slightly better, I might actually come to love you. But for now, you're just a pain. Everytime I sit for your papers I come out of the exam hall with my fingers trembling - there's such a thing called too much writing, ya' know. Anyhow, five years and I've never memorized your nilais in full. I've been harping on your keywords.

Art - an extra subject. Again, thanks to the messed up education system, all I've been learning about you are local and Indonesian art styles. It's a shame. I would have really loved to learn more about Da Vinci, or even Joan Miro.

English Literature - my favorite subject. Despite the studying necessary for it, I love it with a passion. Yes, it's not exactly a cup of tea, but what can I say? I love the language.

And since I've finished my careful analysis (and have finally let out some complaints like some runt), I shall be getting off in order to get the actual studying done.

In the mean time, best of luck to all the SPM candidates out there. You have my virtual good luck fist bump.

Once a CHS-ian, always a CHS-ian.

Mr. Lean : "JANGAN MENANGKAP GAMBAR LAGI."

And 5S1 continues

A story of its own...

The thoughts and experiences of a typical CHS-ian, starting from the beginning.

2007.

All the rules were ridiculous. The teachers were ridiculous. CHS was the equivalent of a large jail cell.

1B1 was interesting enough, but not a place I would have liked to dawdle on for too long.

Was the top three for the entire year in that class.

Experienced the first spot-check in my life.

Became a probationer.

Had the first failure in my life when I didn't make it.

Had a bad time at home as well. Was kicked out from my piano teacher's house. Stuck at Grade Six.

Entered the Creative Club, didn't fancy it, left.

Learned Japanese for one year, found it lovely. Would have continued, but the teacher left.

Joined Taekwondo.

Engrossed self in MapleStory.

Began writing at the dead of the night, on scrap pieces of paper. The idea of a blog didn't occur yet.

Thailand was mediocre.

Life was shitty.

2008.

2A2, was too brilliant for my taste.

Got to know a few girls, one in particular named Zi Shan. At that time, I had no idea she would be with me until 2011 yet.

Had no place to go. Entered the Creative Club again. Didn't like it, and left once again.

Had no idea what to do with my high school life. Attended the Librarian interview.

Failed it.

Wanted to be so badass at that age.

Began swearing and cussin' like a sailor.

Picked on a girl who was badmouthing me. Got some girl mates of mine to confront her just so she could get a scare - but not that much of a scare.

It backfired.

Stayed in the discipline room for a day. Didn't need the girl's gangster of a brother to interfere. Didn't need all that confrontation to happen. That was 080808, bane of my life. Was not in the mood to watch the Olympics.

Had a new piano teacher.

The Taekwondo continued.

Started to bring my music player to school.

Began this blog. Original name - piinkyshadows.

Wondered what the fuck made me put that name. Changed it to paradoxicallysadistic.

It stayed since then.

Had hair snipped by Puan Susan.

Obsession with MapleStory continued.

Started getting into relationships.

Went to New Zealand.

Results dipped.

Was known as the Trance Queen.

Was known as Shadowfaux.

Life continued to be shitty.

2009.

Decided to take a new stance in my life.

Decided to stop being such a prat.

Decided to grow up.

3A2, still an epitome of brilliance.

Results improved.

Quit MapleStory.

Determination ruled me.

Joined English Debate. Saw how a tournament went. Was fascinated.

Was kicked out due to several reasons.

Swore vengeance.

Obtained it.

Decided to change my life even more and start out from the beginning.

Witnessed IT Week 2009. Was immensely interested.

Joined a club that would change my life - Itanium Solutions, the Computer Club of CHS.

Became the Vice-Secretary. I raised my eyebrows at how abrupt it was.

Continued having relationships with guys. Continued the breakups.

Breezed through PMR.

Enjoyed self at Turkey.

Life began to improve.

2010.

4s1 was a potpourri of everything different.

Stayed out of the way and tried not to step on anyone's toes.

Should have known that Zi Shan would end up being next to me.

Had not much of a problem dealing with studies.

Had minimal tuitions.

Decided on taking up Arts and English Literature as extra SPM subjects.

Was elected as President of Itanium Solutions.

Fought off backlashes.

Decided to start writing Fanfiction in an order to improve sense and style of writing.

Struggled with new duties.

Struggled with IT Week 2010.

Struggled with CHS Cyber Games 2010.

Struggled with maintaining a calm sense of self.

Knew that although art was a passion of mine, writing was my future.

Cursed braces.

Cursed being a female.

Cursed boys.

Was known as the Boss, or the second Fuhrer.

Obtained Grade Eight theory qualification.

Things were getting amusing.

Europe was a beautiful place.

Wanted to return in the future.

2011.

5S1 was just another older version of 4S1.

Decided on my future.

Parents were initially against it. Showed them my work, involvement, everything that I could show.

And they agreed.

Decided to take things a step further by joining the English Department of the Editorial Board.

Interviewed teachers.

Wrote articles.

Had fun.

Did the class page.

Retired from Itanium Solutions.

Refrained self from getting into relationships.

Obtained Grade Eight piano qualification.

Obtained black belt Taekwondo qualification.

Receieved conditional offer letter from University of Canterbury, Christchurch.

Unconditional offer letter - pending. They await my certified copy of forecast results. My sister shall show it to them when she returns there.

Smiling at the prospects of the future.

Smiling at the challenges that await me.

SPM, though worrying, will not kill me.

The future awaits.

To be continued.